Its October 27th. D is in work and has been out the house since 11.30 this morning, we had a short 2 hours together before she had to leave, I wont see her again until about midnight. That's not her fault, that's the joys of her job especially now she is a RGM (Store Manager to you and me).
I haven't really done anything today, nothing worthwhile anyways, I don't know if there was something I could of done but nothing was screaming to me to be done so I have made dinner, cleaned up, cleaned the bathroom and kitchen, opened my mail and then sat down to catch up on instagram. All things I generally don't mind doing but today I just don't feel myself. I feel lonely. I don't have any friends who pop in to see me, the friends I do have are the other end of the phone/country/planet..... ok a bit over the top but still.... I have "spoken" to people today but as usual its me doing the communicating first... is it so bad that I want someone to message me first, to ask how I am first, to make me feel cared about. I know I am loved but sometimes it feels its only because they have to.
I always thought growing up that I would have friends who I would hang out with, go to the coffee shops with, go shopping with, who would just pop in or not mind if I popped into theirs. I have never had that. I don't know if I ever will. I like to think that I still have plenty of time to make those friendships, that when I move town I will find those friends, when I have children and they have friends and I'll make friends with those parents. I don't know if that will ever happen, I don't know right now if the me having children thing will happen. Most of my waking thoughts are about that, so many reminders everywhere, in the shops, on social media, in the family.... these months are flying by and I am no closer to where I want to be on so many levels. I sit and I wallow and then I get this fight in my stomach telling me you wont get where you want to be sitting on your ass doing nothing but there is only so much you can fight. I do believe one day things will go my way, I've had 30 years of setbacks, I can handle another 30 more.... believe me I can but I don't want to. I want to break the cycle of feeling low, fighting to make it better, getting knocked back and starting all over again.
One day I will. Will today be the start of that new chapter??
Writing about it has made me feel a little less heavy. I have so much I want to write about but today is not the day.... soon. Soon I will share more of my journey and hope that in years to come I can look back and tell myself; "I told you so, I told you things will go your way." If you have read this far I thank you and I apologise if you feel like you've wasted your time.