Meh

Meh..... Totally sums up how I feel right now.

Today's post was supposed to be a review of a beauty box but I feel like if I post said blog post then I'll just be hiding the truth about how I'm feeling. Not just today but lately. So instead I thought I would just do an honest post.



I am totally stressed out at the moment & it's really really affecting my mood. All I want to do is just stay in bed all day, eat crap, cry, do jack shit and sleep. This is not me! Yes I love a lazy morning in bed & a few snack/crap days but never to this extent before. What's caused me to feel like this....quite a bit actually. If you've read previous posts you'll know that I am close to my grandparents & unfortunately they are both unwell in their health. My Nan has Parkinson's disease & hasn't long ago had an operation. And my grandfather has been diagnosed with mesothelioma & had been having chemo which has now stopped but he has had nurses coming to the house regularly to drain the fluid from his lung. All this is obviously a worry & is stressing me out as I am always messaging to see if they are ok,visiting regularly, taking my grandfather shopping, taking my Nan out if she feels up to going. It's stuff that I don't mind doing but it just breaks my heart to see them not being as independent as they were, especially my Bamp.

Alongside this stress I have been totally stressed out with work... Well the lack of it. When I took on the job it was supposed to be 3 days a week & the money that I would get would just about cover my bills and I'd have a bit to save/spend. Well in the last 3 weeks I've worked 2 & a half days. Therefore I am now having to use my savings to pay bills & obviously not being able to top it back up. It's just so stressful as obviously I can't live like this & I don’t know when it will be sorted. I've been looking for other jobs but there is nothing about.

Stemming from that is the childminding course I paid to do, now I thought at the time that doing it at home would be better as it meant I would be able to do it at my own pace, in my own time, it wouldn't affect working life & I would be fine. Well I've barely done any work because I've  been so laid back & then all the stuff happened with my grandparents & I didn't feel motivated. I received an email a few days ago stating that I was told I had 6 months to complete the course & that the time was almost up... Well this sent sheer panic through me, one as I did not know that I had 6 months to complete and 2 because if that's what it meant I would lose the money I spent on it and would have to pay again should I want to take the course up again. This did not help the stress. Fortunately I have been given a small extension & may be able to get another depending on how much work I get done asap.Thankfully D is super supportive & I know will help me as much as she can, whether that be lending me her laptop, sitting down with me to help me with the work of nagging me.

But that's another stress i feel like I'm having is the not being a good enough girlfriend to D. I have this horrible problem of overthinking and worrying about things that happened ages ago. I've spent many a times crying about things that I cannot control that I feel are my fault & got myself worked up so much that I can't breathe and all for nothing, like D hasn’t said anything or done anything to make me feel that way it's all me & my over imaginative mind. D is understanding of this & always gets me to talk & reassures me all is fine & is there for me. I just feel like I let her down by being that way. It must be hard for her to love me in those moments when I'm being an emotional idiot but she still does.

I don't really know what the point of this post is/was, But I just felt like I needed to write something & get it off my chest. I can't say I feel any better right now but maybe I will. Any ways I'm going to stop rambling crap now & go make some tea and toast. I hope you all have a lovely weekend & I’ll be back on Sunday with my video series.

Thanks for reading, if you got this far.

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